Relationship breakdown
Relationships can breakdown for many different reasons. Couples counselling may be an option to consider as sometimes relationships can be repaired. Learning to communicate, listen and understand each other as well as working towards the same goals can be groundbreaking.
After 26 together, 18 of those married, my relationship with my husband ended due to a history of infidelity and dishonesty. I want to share my journey as I worked through many challenges that I know many others have experienced or can relate to. I want to reach out to people who may be having a tough time in their own relationships and want you to know you are not alone.
Cheating in a marriage or relationship can create a wave of complex emotions for everyone affected. For the person who cheats, their feelings can range from excitement, confusion, guilt and fear of being found out. For the betrayed partner this experience is devastating. If your instincts are telling you things are not right and you suspect your partner is cheating don't ignore the signs. It is natural to push these feelings down and live in a state of denial but these feelings don't go away and create anxiety and fear which can be detrimental to your health and well-being. I would feel so conflicted because we had some great times but every so often there would be something that would crop up and make me question things. Whenever I questioned things I was told it was all in my head which made me feel guilty and ashamed for having these thoughts in the first place. Looking back I didn't realise how much this had impacted my mental health. It got to a point where I would spend every minute thinking about where he was, who he was texting or contacting on social media. So much doubt crept in and I wanted to believe the person I loved but always had this bad gut feeling. Having that feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach constantly consumed me without me realising, I was losing my sense of self. I tried to mask my feelings and emotions (especially around our children) I became so paranoid and then had bouts of guilt. I desperately tried to find evidence so that I could get the truth.
Once the truth is discovered it felt devastating. I still felt very much in denial. Feelings of confusion, anger and heartbreak was overwhelming. When trust is broken, you reflect and ruminate, I began to question everything, unsure of what had been real in the relationship. I felt humiliated and embarrassed. This lead more self doubt, and feeling worthless. . My whole life had changed and the uncertainty felt terrifying. My ex partner became unrecognisable. There was no remorse or accountability. He had already processed it all and moved on, there was no thought for how this must feel for me. You have so many things going through your mind and are expected to process in a day what they have been processing for months. The dread of telling my children and wondering how would affect them was so hard. Then was the thought of adulting alone and the financial impacts which created more fear.
Children can experience so many different emotions. Children may feel caught in the middle. It is important to encourage and let your children make their own decisions when the family dynamics change. I was always mindful of this as I never wanted them to look back with any resentment towards me. At first they did not want to see their dad but I encouraged them to. One of my worries was how this might impact on their understanding of relationships, would they develop trust issues in their own future relationships?
I hadn't realised I was grieving for someone who was still alive. It felt like everyone around me was moving forward while I was stuck in this cycle of pain. I didn't know how to make it stop and started to internalise things as I didn't want to feel like a burden to others. This experience highlighted my support network and friendships, a good support network is a game changer but not everyone has one.
After some time, I attended counselling, followed by some CBT and I have to say this helped me to reflect and process so much. I was accountable for what I allowed during my relationship, I allowed myself to be treated that way and had little respect for myself. Boundaries are everything! I accepted I would not get any closure and became mentally stronger and gained back my independence which felt so empowering, (I'm probably too independent and headstrong at times as a reminder to never lose it). I began to plan and look forward to the future.
How do you move forward? Stop ruminating, this is pointless, you will never get the answers or closure you need and this is tough to do and will happen when you are ready. Try to process and accept what has happened and learn from it. Counselling can help! Talking to a counsellor helps you process your experiences and understand and learn more about your self. Focus on you, sometimes you can be so invested in everything else but yourself and have lost your own identity along the way.
Learn about yourself, find things you enjoy, on those tough days keep busy. Exercise, walking and music can be great for your mental health. Even if you have tears rolling down your cheeks. Process it and keep moving forward. Find new challenges and motivation. Practice gratitude and savour the small things and the people you care about. Learn to love and like yourself, work on your self-doubt and trust your instincts. Respect yourself and use boundaries as they are so important. Lastly, discovering your own independence is liberating. You are in control, you control your own path in life and happiness. You deserve to find happiness in what that means for you.
My past experiences led me to supporting others going through difficult times, after my own counselling I began to become more interested in mental health and decided to become a qualified counsellor! My counselling journey has given me the opportunity to understand so much more about myself and other people. I have found something I feel very passionate about and look forward to supporting others through their own journey.
My next blog will focus on rediscovery of the self 😄